When Life Gives You Lemons
There are days when I awaken feeling immensely grateful. I survived two strokes, sky high blood pressure, seventeen months on dialysis three times a week. There are times when I could pinch myself to make sure that I’m not dreaming, thinking back to last April when I left the hospital in a wheelchair, graduated to a walker within three months, and now seventeen months later, a cane.
But then there are those days like today when a friend cancels plans with you, and another is too busy to talk on the phone, and you realize that life for a disabled person is incredibly lonely. Most of my life is spent on dialysis, prepping for it, and recovering afterward. Meanwhile, those who entered education with me over 25 years ago, are preparing for retirement in five years, while I will be re-entering the workforce and starting over. Then there are those who will be watching their children grow into adulthood, while I will be reminded that a very selfish choice I made many years ago, not to have children, will cause even more loneliness in years to come.
The main thing is I didn’t plan for this. As grateful as I am to be alive, and to recovering so well after two catastrophic strokes, I didn’t plan for dialysis, to wait for a kidney, or the terrible loneliness that would ensure from life as a disabled individual.
Another thing that I didn’t plan for were the immense thoughts that would forge through my brain, as I write this, but neither the physical strength or the emotional bandwidth to get them all down.
Most days I live in gratitude, but today I just have lemons, and I’ve forgotten how to make lemonade!
